I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
