Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
