Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
