I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
