when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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