How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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