I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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