he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
