he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
