My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
