is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
