so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
