The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize