The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Please don't give away my fajitas
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
