Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
