Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i think my cat just said my name.
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