Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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