Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
