How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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