Your dad touched me again.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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