I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
