I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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