Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
