I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
