On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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