so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
