The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
