I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
