i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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