I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm having to shit out rocks
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
