im drinking this country out of the recession.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
