i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
