final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
