Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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