i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
