I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
