I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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