Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
im having a threesome with these popsicles
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
