Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
