my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
