I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
