I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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