When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
