she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
