where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize