If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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