is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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