lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
