K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
