Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
