In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
two words: eviction party
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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