k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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