i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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