apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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