If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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