This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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